Being raised by a single mom, I knew that my mom, my sister, and I were a team. Our mom worked hard to support us, and my sister and I had to do well in school. Although mom reminded us, I instinctively recognized that we all had household responsibilities. If one of us cooked, the other cleaned. If mom worked late, we fed ourselves, cleaned up, and made lunches for the next day.
According to 6 Ways to set up your daughter for success, doing chores at an early age is the best predictor for growing up into an adult with a completed education, successful career, and healthy personal relationships.” That is because “chores teach a strong work ethic, responsibility, the value of contributing, time management, and discipline.”
Lessons in Parenting
I met my husband in college and have been blessed with a wonderful marriage for more than 25 years. With our two daughters grown and flown and our 15-year-old son still at home, I am starting to reflect on nearly a quarter of a century of parenting. I now realize how much my childhood has shaped the kind of mother I am. Those values of teamwork and responsibility that were instilled in me as a young girl have influenced how my husband and I are raising our children.
All our children have had chores since they were very young. Whether it was unloading the dishwasher, taking out the trash, or making their own school lunches, I parent our kids the same way I was raised. Our family chore chart is well known among friends and several of them have commented that they have implemented a similar system based on what we did. Our family also values volunteering in the community. Whether working on local non-profit board or volunteering for important organizations such as Girls Who Code or LiveYourDream.org, we have emphasized how important it is to give back to the community.
Expecting More from our Daughters
Looking back to when we were two full-time working parents with three kids ages 15, 13, and five, I realize we had a very busy lives. Schedules operated like clockwork with early mornings, late nights, meal plans, and a lot of carpools. It took organization and cooperation to keep our well-oiled family machine ticking.
I’’’m realizing though, how differently we now parent our son, especially compared to when our daughters were still at home. With only one child at home, our schedules have slowed down. In addition, my parenting values have evolved, and I often prioritize our family’s needs over demands from work or volunteer roles. I am intentional about being as present and available as possible for our son before our last little chickadee “flies the nest.”
So why is it that we gave our daughters more responsibility than our son has at the same age? All three kids started high school and played on the basketball team that first quarter, and throughout all of high school. Yet, whether accidentally or deliberately, my husband and I are not placing the same expectations on our son that we did for our daughters. We keep making excuses that he is “too busy” with a long day at school, followed by a long evening of travel and basketball.
Back to Basics
Friends and experts agree that it’s often a herculean effort to get a teenager to give regular household help. Clearly, we are not the only parents to recognize the disparity in the household responsibilities of boys and girls. In fact, according to a January 2023 article from UNICEF, in homes around the world, girls are still performing more caregiving and chores than boys are. Is the push-back we get from our teenage son wearing us down? Am I more tired since I’m older, so I just give in to the resistance?
Regardless of the why, starting today, I’m putting my foot down. Just as we did for the girls, we will stay true to our family values and hold our son accountable to his responsibilities around the house. Together with my husband, we will re-commit our efforts to teach our son the teamwork and cooperation I learned as a young girl. I know he is more than capable of handling his schoolwork and sports, chores, and even his social life. No more excuses. Our girls could handle it, and so can our son. Now, we just need to talk about that darn cell phone!
Joanna L. Sandorffy is a seasoned writer, editor, and content strategist with over 30 years experience creating impactful content across diverse industries. In addition to working in “big tech,” Joanna has been quietly journaling for years. She recently retired from tech to focus on writing essays, articles, and her blog. Joanna and her family live in the Pacific Northwest.