Leaving an abusive relationship is brave. Standing up for your well-being and not tolerating mistreatment is courageous. If you’re ready to make a change, you may be wondering how to leave an abusive relationship.
Leaving an Abusive Relationship May Take Multiple Attempts
Survivors of abuse often make multiple attempts at leaving before permanently separating. If this has happened to you, it’s not a failure on your part.
Reasons for returning are unique to each person but may include:
- You still love your partner
- You lacked the financial resources to be on your own
- Lack of social support or pressure to stay and “work it out”
- Threats of retaliation
- You may have children and aren’t sure if leaving is the best choice
- Your partner says they will change and may act lovingly towards you
- Abuse tactics have led you to doubt your version of reality
I’d like to expand on that last point. Having your reality doubted and being told there’s something wrong with you can cause brain fog. This was my experience during an abusive relationship. I couldn’t think straight. I questioned whether or not my experiences were that bad. This form of abuse is called gaslighting.
Gaslighting can make it more difficult to leave because you doubt your truth and your sense of self, which impacts decision-making. Start writing down your version of events and keep it in a safe place. This will help maintain your sense of reality when it’s challenged and acknowledge the abuse. Learn more about gaslighting as an abuse tactic here.
Leaving is often not a one-and-done deal. It’s a process. And you’re on the right path. Knowing how to leave an abusive relationship will help increase your chances at being successful.
Create A Plan To Leave An Abusive Relationship
- Protect Your Privacy. Change user names and passwords. Check your smartphone settings for apps that may be tracking you or listening/reading your texts and calls. Consider turning off your phone when leaving the house. Create a new, private, email account.
- Find Support. Often, survivors of abuse have become socially isolated from friends and family. Reach out to someone you trust: a friend, family member, therapist or healthcare provider. Use a public computer such as at a library, at work or use a friend’s phone when reaching out or researching domestic violence resources.
- Save Money. Put away as much money as you can. Open your own bank account as well as saving cash. Joint accounts/credit cards can notify your abuser immediately after a charge. If you don’t have control over finances, try getting cash back each time at the grocery store or buy more than needed, make returns and pocket the money. Pawn items if that’s an option.
- Assess your home. Are there weapons? Are there items that can be used as weapons against you? Identify areas in your home where you could be cornered such as a closet or a windowless bathroom if things get heated. Plan to go to areas of the home with an exit. Thinking this through ahead of time will make it easier for you to safely act when stressed.
- Plan to Leave During a Peaceful Time. Leaving is safest when your abuser isn’t heated or triggered. Plan to leave during the calm period of the abuse cycle. This is where writing down events is crucial because it will help remind you that the abuse is real and will happen again. Even if you’ve planned to leave during a peaceful time, be prepared to quickly leave if needed. Always know where your car keys are. Develop the habit of parking your car facing outwards. Keep an overnight bag of essentials in your vehicle. If you take prescription medications, have enough on hand.
- Go no-contact. You will be less likely to get sucked back into the relationship if you sever all contact. Understand that leaving is the most dangerous time for the survivor as the abuser’s behavior can escalate in the following months. Abusers will make all kinds of promises to get their victims to return. They could be loving and charming. These behaviors are confusing and space is needed to heal. If you have children together and no-contact isn’t possible, try to communicate in writing as much as possible, keeping things short and to the point.
Remember, whether you are in the process of leaving an abusive relationship for the first time or the sixth time, you can do this. You are capable of standing in your power. You deserve respect. You can create a brighter future.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text “Start” to 88788
Yolanda DeLoach is an author, freelance writer and travel nurse. She lives in Wisconsin where she’s spending the second half of life learning to live with authenticity and self-awareness. Of course this is achieved while drinking great coffee.
